This is the transcript for the film, Zachary & Ainsley 5: Spice vs. Blood.
THIS MOTION PICTURE HAS BEEN RATED
| PG-13 | Parents Strongly Cautioned (MPAA) |
| SOME MATERIAL MAY BE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 13 |@
| Bloody Violence, Language Including Sexual References, Flashing Images and Some Sexual Material |
BY THE CLASSIFICATION AND RATING ADMINISTRATION
MOTION PICTURE ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
Chapter 1: Cooling OffEdit
- 2013 Paramount Pictures logo
- 2012 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer logo
- 2006 Columbia Pictures logo
- 2011 Sony Pictures Animation logo
- 2010 Skydance Productions logo
(Outside, Zachary and the girls are running a trail, panting.)
Zachary: 16 laps, one more to go! The more running, the more faster we finish.
(Paramount Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures Animation and Skydance Productions present)
Zachary: This is our last lap! Whew! Finally.
Maddie: I agree. This is just like when we did long distance in track a few years ago.
(2 minutes later)
Zachary: (he and the girls stop running) Man, we ran 9 miles which means 17 laps is enough for a day, don't you agree, Ainsley?
Ainsley: Yeah. We're all sweaty now.
Leah: Our bodies are all red and sweaty.
Clancatcher: I tend to agree. How about we just stay home for the week to cool off?
Zachary: Yeah, I agree. 100 degrees on a Saturday sucks. And speaking of what Leah said, our bodies look spicy when we're all red and sweaty.
Alexa: Good one, Zach.
Spearslinger: I agree with your housemate and her friend.
Zachary: (puts his hand on Ainsley's shoulder) Let's go home. Our blood is pumping up.
(Zachary & Ainsley 5: Spice vs. Blood)
(At home in the living room, Zachary and the girls are in their swimsuits. Zachary and Ainsley are sitting on the couch. Ainsley's back is being massaged by Zachary.)
Ainsley: (Zachary kisses her cheek) Awww. Zach, you're so sweet.
Ainsley: Any time. Continue. (Zachary continues to massage her back)
Olivia: (enters the room) Guys, I'm gonna do something I've never done in my life.
Abby: What's that, Liv?
Olivia: For once, I thought it might be nice for me to give birth to a child. Why, there's only one boy in the house. Zach, have you done sex for real?
Zachary: I've done that six times before with Allie, so yes.
Allie: So, Olivia, what status are you in right now?
Olivia: I'm single right now. Zach will take me to his room and we'll have real sex together!
Abby: Have fun, you two!
Chapter 2: Olivia Becomes PregnantEdit
(In Zachary's bedroom, Zachary and Olivia are having sex.)
Olivia: (Zachary kisses her cheek) You know, Zach, the best part about having sex for real is this.
Olivia: Your weiner! (laughs)
Zachary: (chuckles) Yeah, I guess that's funny. You know what another part is best about having sex for real?
Zachary: Your cookies, that's what! (laughs)
Olivia: (giggles) Yeah, I guess that's funny too, unlike biting Abby's shiny metal ass when you don't actually mean it.
Zachary: She only tells me to bite her ass to make me love her a lot.
Olivia: Tell me about it.
Zachary: I first met you two when I first met Allie. Anyway, when we tell her, Meredith and Alexandra about your pregnancy test, they'll have to dip their fat asses in a jacuzzi with flower petals in the water.
Olivia: Again, they're not fat. They're bloated because they weigh a lot of pounds. So they need to...I don't know. Lose some weight.
Zachary: Pfft! Why the hell would they want to do that?
Olivia: Who knows? Let's just shut up and start kissing so I can become pregnant!
Zachary: And let's just hope we don't get a miscarriage.
Olivia: Yeah, that would be sad. (giggles) (she and Zachary start kissing) (smiling) I love you, Zach. (she kisses Zachary's cheek)
Zachary: (smiling) I love you too, Liv.
(In the living room, everyone else is hanging out. Zachary enters the room wearing his water shirt and shorts.)
Zachary: Good news, everyone! I had sex with Olivia for real last night, and she is now pregnant!
Abby: Awesome! What gender is the baby?
Zachary: I gave my Y chromesome to Liv's X chromosome, making one XY chromosome, meaning that our baby is a boy!
Ainsley: That is so sweet! So if you make an XX chromosome, then that's a girl. Am I right or am I right?
Zachary: Yes. Here she is, now with our boy!
Olivia: (enters the room in her gym uniform, pregnant) Morning, everyone! Beautiful morning, huh?
Alexandra: Yep. Even with your friends and family around you while you're pregnant.
Abby: We never hugged while one of us was pregnant in our entire lives. Let me give you a hug!
Allie: Let all of us give you a hug too!
Zachary: You heard them. Let me go first.
(Olivia gives Zachary a hug, then Ainsley, then Spearslinger, then Meredith, then Alexa, then Abby, then Kaia, then Lydia, then Clancatcher, then Alexandra, then Carina, then Alex, then Leah, then Rachel, then Allie, then Sophia, then Abworker, then Sarah and then Maddie)
Abby: We love you, Liv.
Olivia: Awww, thank you, guys.
Zachary: Any time.
Ainsley: So, now what?
Alex: Liv needs to take a pregnancy test to see how pregnant she is.
Olivia: What do you mean by "how", Alex?
Alex: Your pregnancy might not go so well sometimes.
Olivia: Huh. I see.
Ainsley: And so, the three field hockey and volleyball As ask you this one question.
Alex: Where should we go for Liv's pregnancy test?
Alexandra: Maybe in the hospital?
Allie: Or maybe at home?
Carina: I think I know the answer.
Meredith: What do you think, Carina?
Carina: I'm gonna suggest both.
Alexa: So are we staying home or going to the hospital to do her test?
Leah: Since we're doing our 1 week relaxation, let's stay home and do it.
Olivia: Sounds like a safe idea when on a relaxation week.
Ainsley: What she said. Let's get this pregnancy test over with.
Chapter 3: Olivia's Pregnancy Test and Baby ShowerEdit
(Everyone is in the basement, Olivia sits on a chair and Sophia stands next to a wheel with 0% to 100% on it)
Olivia: So how is this gonna work?
Sophia: Only one way to find out. See this wheel right next to me? That's the Pregnancy Wheel. When spun, it will tell you how pregnant you are. If it lands on 0% to 50%, ding dong, you're not pregnant enough.
Olivia: What happens if it lands on 60% to 100%?
Sophia: You're perfectly pregnant.
Zachary: One question--should Liv spin the wheel?
Sophia: If she wants too. (turns to Olivia) Do you want to?
Olivia: You can do it.
Sophia: Okay. Let's see how pregnant you are!
(Sophia spins the wheel and it lands on 100%)
Olivia: All right, baby!
Sophia: You're perfectly pregnant!
Olivia: Now I'll have to wait 9 months to give birth to my boy!
Zachary: All right! So, what else does she have to do?
Alex: Meredith, Sarah, Alexa and I have done this before. She has to do a baby shower.
Olivia: A baby shower?
Ainsley: It's when you give your baby a shower despite that he or she is in your belly. Allie did that six times, Alex did that eight times, Alexa did that twice and Sarah did that five times.
Olivia: Oh my god! This is gonna be all wrong if I have my clothes on.
Rachel: Actually, you'll be wearing your bikini.
Olivia: Oh, good. Never saw it before.
Abworker: It's like when you've taking an actual shower. But for a baby shower, you're giving your baby a shower.
Maddie: You know how mothers give their babies a bath? That's almost the same thing.
Olivia: I'm starting to get this now. Babies are out of their mom's belly when they're given a bath but they're in their mom's belly when they're given a shower.
Abby: Let's go to the bathroom that's in our bedroom.
(In their bathroom, Olivia is in her bikini and their shower is on)
Kaia: You can go ahead and sit on that chair that's in the shower. See it in there?
Olivia: Yes. Your mother has done this before. (she hums as she goes into the shower and sits on the chair)
Lydia: The baby starts to hear splashing noises and the answer to that question is the shower.
Leah: I guess the water goes into the belly button, huh?
Clancatcher: I guess depending on how the mother bathes herself.
Ainsley: Speaking of, it could be showering, taking a bath, many reasons.
Olivia: (gets out of the chair, turns off the shower and exits it) SOMEONE left the shower on before we came here.
Ainsley: Sorry, Liv, that was my bad.
Zachary: Want a bath, Liv? I filled the tub halfway.
Olivia: Because I'm still dripping with water, yes.
Zachary: I got dressed this morning, so there's no need for me to change. (he and Olivia dip their bodies in the water) Ah, yeah, that calms the shakes.
Allie: We're gonna head back down to the living room to talk. (she and the rest of the girls leave) See you when we see you, leaders of the Cannon Arms!
Olivia: Any water entering my belly button yet?
Zachary: Yep indeed.
Chapter 4: Olivia Gives BirthEdit
(8 months later)
(In the basement, Olivia is on an operation table with Zachary next to her.)
Zachary: You ready for this?
Olivia: A little. I'm scared.
Zachary: You'll be fine. Allie has done this before.
(Sarah, Maddie, Alex and Leah enter the room in surgeon clothing)
Alex: Greetings, you two. I hope Olivia's ready to give birth.
Zachary: She's scared, to be honest with you.
Maddie: It will only be a few pushes to get the baby out. I'm gonna roll this die, and you will push her the number of times depending on what I roll. But be warned, Liv. This is gonna hurt.
Maddie: All right. Here we go. (rolls the die and it lands on 2) 2.
Zachary: (while Olivia pushes) 1, 2.
Olivia: (groans in pain) Alex's right. This DOES hurt.
Maddie: Keep pushing! (rolls the die and it lands on 5) 5.
Zachary: (while Olivia pushes) 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
Olivia: (groans in pain) Son of a bitch.
Alex: Keep on pushing!
(Maddie rolls the die and it lands on 3)
Zachary: (while Olivia pushes) 8, 9, 10.
Olivia: (groans in pain) Owwww.
Leah: It's almost out!
Alex: Just stay calm, Liv.
Olivia: I'm trying.
Zachary: Come on, Liv. Just a few more BIG pushes.
Maddie: I hope this is the last roll. (rolls the die and it lands on 6) 6.
Zachary: 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.
(Olivia groans in pain as a red kitten comes out of her vagina.)
Olivia: (pants heavily) Is it out?
(Leah holds the kitten in her hands.)
Leah: Awwww, it's so adorable.
Maddie: I gotta say.
Sarah: Soooo cute.
Alex: Let's take him up to show everyone!
Zachary: You said it! Liv, you go first.
Chapter 5: Olivia Names the Kitten RustyEdit
(Everyone else is in Abby and Olivia's bedroom. Leah enters with the kitten in her hands, along with Zachary, Olivia, Sarah, Alex and Maddie.)
Leah: Good news, everyone! Olivia just gave birth to her child.
Abby: All right! Get in bed, Liv. You'll need a 4 day rest.
(Olivia gets in bed)
Chapter 11: A Bloody RampageEdit
(In their backyard, Olivia, Meredith and Lydia have their legs strapped to separate chairs below a clothesline.)
Zachary: Seriously, one of these Somali girls have to know the true difference between spice and blood.
Olivia: You know who you're messing with, Zach. You have any idea what your next challenge is?
Zachary: Nope. But a hundred people surveyed, number one answer's on the board, my friend. (he gives Olivia an explosive blood bag) Name the User Squad person who's in charge.
Olivia: Vincent...Van Go-kiss-Kaia.
Zachary: Hmm. Vincent Van Go-kiss-Kaia. Survey says! (he sets off the blood bag with a red button and it explodes on Olivia, covering her in blood and she screams in pain)
Lydia: Oh no!
Clancatcher: Jesus Christ! Zachary!
Zachary: What, Clancatcher? I said this was going to be bloody.
Clancatcher: Still though.
Olivia: (groans in pain) Oh, you son of a whore!
Zachary: Save it for your funeral, Liv. (Olivia groans in pain again and he turns to Meredith) Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board. Name the User Squad person who's in charge. (silence) Need an answer, Meredith. (Meredith points to a glass bucket of blood hanging from a rope on the clothesline) Hmm. Spice-flavored blood. Well, you never know what the difference is. (he pulls the rope) LET ME SEE SPICE-FLAVORED BLOOD! (he lets go of the rope and the bucket dumps the blood on Meredith and she screams in agony) Ladies, that's two strikes. One more and all the blood gets lit on fire. Get a chance to go to Hell. (he turns to Clancatcher) I'm just assuming Sophia and Abworker are planning the next challenge for me and Ainsley. I hope it's not something racist. (he turns to Lydia) All right, sweetie.
Clancatcher: She doesn't know it, Zach. So--
Zachary: Clancatcher, shut your freaking lip-chapped mouth! (he turns backs to Lydia) Looking for the User Squad person who's--
Olivia: Lydia Bortz, you say one word and I'll have you swallow an entire chicken leg!
Zachary: Not the time, Liv. (he picks up 25 rend grenades strapped to each other in a square shape and throws them at Olivia, knocking her over, covering her in more blood, killing her)
Lydia: Oh no! (Clancatcher sighs in frustration)
Zachary: Lydia, you gotta listen to me. I have blood cancer.
Meredith: Ha ha! Blood cancer.
Zachary: (picks up a giant rend grenade and throws it at Meredith, knocking her over, covering her in more blood, killing her) As you can see, the veins in my body are now red because all my blood is covering them and my heart is beating at 90%, which is ten percentages away from 100. Anyway, I need you to answer this question.
Lydia: Let me guess...you're gonna ask the question that you asked to Liv and Meredith.
Zachary: Yes. Name the User Squad person who's in charge.
Zachary: That's the guy I'm talking about. (he unstraps Lydia) You are free to go because you got it right!
Lydia: Sweet! (gets off the chair and hugs Zachary)
Clancatcher: Uh, Zach. We should probably go home and give the losers a bath.
Zachary: You're right.
Lydia: Let me check their heart. (she listens to Olivia's heart then Meredith's) They're dead.
Zachary: That was my bad.
Lydia: They need to be soaked in a bath of healing waters.
Clancatcher: She's right. Let's go home and give them a bath. (he turns to Zachary) And you need to apologize to them when we get back because they were killed, thanks to you.
Zachary: Right. I know. I'll do that.
Chapter 25: The Explosives ChallengeEdit
(Zachary, Ainsley, Alexa, Spearslinger, Sarah and Maddie enter the mansion's explosives room and walk up to a pile of dynamite sticks and a TNT)
Alexa: Okay, you two. You ready for your last challenge?
Ainsley: You bet we are. We'll see how we do.
Sarah: So, what you're gonna do is we're gonna run through the destruction of the mansion. Let me get it started. (she picks up some dynamite sticks, shoves them aside then sits on the TNT) Oh yeah! Try this, kids at home! (she lights her head on fire with a torch, which makes the flame go to the rest of her body and hops off the TNT, which lights on fire, along with the dynamite sticks)
Maddie: Hey, look! It's working!
Zachary: Uh, ladies, this doesn't look good.
Ainsley: Sarah, get away from those! They're gonna blow!
Spearslinger: Look out!
Sarah: (the explosives explode on her) Oww! Aw, man, that hurts. Ow, ow, ow!
Zachary: Are you okay? You're badly hurt.
Sarah: (groans in pain) My back's fine all right. Am I bleeding?
Sarah: Ow, ow, ow.
Maddie: Sarah, are you ok--Ohhh no. (she and everyone else are surrounded by security cameras) Guys, we're boned.
Zachary, Ainsley, Alexa, Spearslinger, Sarah and Maddie: INTERVENTION!!!!!
(The security cameras start shooting explosives at them.)
Zachary: What the hell?!
Ainsley: We destroyed the explosives room.
Alexa: She's freaking right. We're such JERKS! (she launches herself out of the room)
Zachary: Wait for us, Alexa!
(More explosives explode.)
Ainsley: This place is gonna blow to hell! (she and everyone else start running through the mansion)
Zachary: The other explosives have been triggered! (he and the girls scream and run) Look out! (they approach more explosives) Huh?! (the explosives explode on them) Whoa!
Ainsley: Keep running! (she and everyone else screams)
(A chain reaction of five piles of explosives explode.)
Sarah: What the...(everyone screams as more explosives explode on them)
Maddie: Goddamn it! (she and everyone else run into the library and Ainsley slams the doors shut) The library! We should be safe in here!
(Six bookshelves explode, two by two, making the books fall to the floor.)
Zachary: The bookshelves!
Ainsley: Zach! The books and desks are gonna explode.
Sarah: She's right. This room's on fire because of the explosions.
(The books and desks explode.)
Alexa: I'm starting to get sweaty. I'm starting to get sweaty.
Sarah: There's a way out! (points to a window) The window. People jump out the window, true fact. For when they're trapped in a fire.
Ainsley: Let's go!
Sarah: Whoa! (they jump out the window, which makes the glass break) Bombs away!
(The five land on the ground.)
Zachary: So, now what?
Ainsley: What now? We have to run, that's what!
Sarah: Look out! It's gonna explode! (the mansion explodes on them and they scream as the explosion covers them in blood)
Ainsley: (they run to a giant steel tent) My heart's beating so hard, I could die any second now!
Zachary: Almost there. Don't give up! Whoa! (the girls scream as they accelerate into the tent) RAAAAAAAAH!
(The doors of the tent close.)
Maddie: Oh no, we're trapped!
(The doors close again. They open, then close, then open again, then close again.)
Zachary: Ladies, I have a plan.
Spearslinger: What's that, Zach?
Zachary: Time bombs.
Ainsley: What do we do?
Zachary: Blow them up!
Sarah: This tent's made of steel, Zach.
Zachary: Let's just run out.
Zachary: (he and the girls run out of the tent) Go, go, go, go! (they scream as they run out and the doors close)
Ainsley: Quick, throw the bombs! THROW THEM!
(Zachary throws a pile of time bombs and they land on the sides of the tent.)
Maddie: Guys, we're boned.
Sarah: Uh oh.
(The time bombs beep.)
Zachary: (gasps) Heads up! THEY'RE GONNA BLOW!
Alexa: Did the time bombs explode yet?
(The time bombs beep one last time and explode, covering Zachary and the girls in blood as the tent gets destroyed by the explosion and it falls to pieces.)
Sarah: You two passed this challenge. (she and everyone else walk away from the remaining pieces of the tent)
Chapter 29: Closing Down Spice Edit
Maddie: (walks up to the entrance gate to Spice) Maddie to friends. Zach and Ainsley have scored 80% on their full blood test. They only failed the Turkey Challenge, where Sophia and Abworker helped them save the twins from being eaten by a turkey, which they didn't succeed. (yells) Hey, spicy universe, bite my shiny metal a--(she thrusts her shorts onto the gate and screams as she is launched into the air by the explosion)
(Zachary, Ainsley, Alex and Leah scream as they are launched far into the woods where Maddie screams as she lands into the forest on her head)
Chapter 33: End CreditsEdit
Zachary | Trey Parker
Ainsley and Spearslinger | Matt Stone
Meredith | John DiMaggio
Alexa | Phil MaLarr
Abby and Olivia | Billy West
Kaia | Maurice LaMarche
Lydia | David Herman
Clancatcher | Neil Patrick Harris
Alexandra | Julianne Moore
Carina | Chloe Grace Moretz
Alex | Judy Greer
Leah | Gabriella Wilde
Rachel | Gemma Arterton
Allie | Portia Doubleday
Sophia | Saxon Sharbino
Abworker | Meryl Streep
Sarah | Lauren Graham
Maddie | Dakota Johnson
Rusty | H. Jon Benjamin